You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
