it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
