I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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