I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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