I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
