Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
