Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
