Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
be right there i have to get my cape
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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