I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
