At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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