I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
