Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
