I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
