Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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