I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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