I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize