I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
