I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
