I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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