a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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