im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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