Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
