I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
