if i can run in heels then i can drive
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize