Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
