her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
