I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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