don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
