My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
