i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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