none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
