M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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