I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
