At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
