One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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