There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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