Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
