Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize