I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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