I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
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