i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
