allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's blow job season.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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