do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
