I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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