I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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