How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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