The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
