If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
