Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
