Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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