i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
