I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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