I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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