I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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