Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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