i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
