What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
