what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
