i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
