Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
