Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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