i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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