420 ftw
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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