Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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