I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize