i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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