9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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