Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize