Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
