my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
