I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
