I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
