matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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